So here I am, 30 years old (31 in a couple of weeks) and 26 weeks pregnant with my third child. I am about to my last trimester and things seems to be getting a little closer, which has really got me thinking. I have this ongoing internal debate (also external to anyone who will listen to me!) about what is the best age for having kids, spacing of said kids, and how many children to have. It goes a little something like this...
Rick and I met when I was 20 and we were married when I was just 21. Honestly, I would have liked to have been a little older because I wanted to go on a mission, but when love comes a knocking you have to let it in. Anyway, I was 21 when we got married and NOT ready to have kids. I think Rick would have been happy with a honeymoon baby, but not me. So I kept waiting until I "felt" ready for kids. My graduation came and went. Rick's graduation came and went. I got my first official job in my field of study and loved it, and realized that I still didn't "feel" ready to have kids. I decided that I may never "feel" ready so I just better do it! We had Luke two weeks after I turned 25. I loved the years that Rick and I spent together, just us. I loved being able to finish school and get to work doing what I studied. I loved being a little "older" and "wiser" when I had Luke. It was also good timing because we spent the next three years in Law School and didn't have any more babies.
I can't say that I "felt" ready to have another baby when we had Noah, but Luke was 3 1/2 and the timing was good for us with school and jobs; i.e. Rick was done with school and had his first real law job. We had Noah when I was 28 1/2 which means he will be 32 months when I have our next baby. Turning 30 last year was pretty hard for me. The weeks I spent analyzing my life made me realize that I was 30 years old and only had two children. When Rick and I were married we talked about wanting a big family and having about 5 kids. Well, with just two kids at 30, I felt that dream was getting away from me. Also, I didn't know until I had kids that my patience level may not be able to handle 5 kids. Shortly after my birthday we decided we better get cracking on the next child if we really wanted a big family. So, that leads me to where I am today, almost 31 years old and pregnant with my third child.
Here comes the debate...Do you start having kids quickly and space them close together so you can be done by 30, or do you take your time, not completely lose your sanity, but still have a naughty 2 year old running around sacrament meeting when you are 40 years old!? I don't actually want to have my children closer than 3 years apart, but I don't want to be having children after I turn 33 or 34! I LOVED not having a baby soon after we were married, and I LOVED the 3 1/2 years between my first two. If I could choose I would space them all that far apart. You get a great break from being pregnant, nursing, changing diapers, waking up all night, and all the "fun" that comes with pregnancy and babies. But, sometime in my life I want to be able to listen to what is being said during church. So what is the answer? I don't know that there is one, but I have been pondering this issue for quite a while. I've seen people on both sides of the coin and can't say which I would choose. I guess all I can hope for its twins the next time around (girls, of course!) so that I can get all 5 of those kids and still be done by 34! Wouldn't it be nice if life worked out that way.
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24 comments:
It would definately be nice if you could be guarenteed that next time you can have twin girls! In my opinion- life doesn't let you plan everything. You know that Brendan was definately not expected, but with it he brought a million and a half more blessings than we ever expected to recieve (not just the blessing of having a child in our lives, but becasuse Scott and I were the kind that REALLY LOVED school, we probably would have been there FOREVER had we not had the motivation of getting it behind us so that we weren't in School when our kids were!) It was hard being in school and having a family, but we made it and in some ways it's a trophy! With every baby after Brendan we have found that we just know it's the right time for us- We've always just gotten that inspiration that it's time...I agree I would have liked to wait a little longer before getting pregnant with this one, but I am convinced that the timing is where it should be. Unfortunately with this pregnancy and all it's complications we are both realizing that another just isn't possible. I think that the right answer is the one when you feel like it's enough...that your family is complete and you are happy-regardless of how old you are-You are an amazing mom and I think that when you get to the point where you KNOW you are done, it won't matter how old you are-only that you have the perfect family for you. (That's not to say that there aren't going to be a lot of headaches along the way...you just can't have two year olds and not, right?)
You have way too much time on your hands with all your time to ponder!!! Have some more kids--be a little crazy--quit worrying and trying to figure it all out! Noah is not naughty in church and I saw you sitting there tickling and loving a little curly-haired girl! I AM TEASING!!!!!! Seriously, I had you and Billie Jo 2 1/2 years apart and then Allen just 2 years from you, as you know. I was about insane -- of course, there was a move home and alot of "situations" during that next 2-3 years, but I was very happy to have 4 years between Allen and Chelsea and another 4 years between Chelsea and Giselle! I was 35 when I had Giselle and it's just fine! We just talked about this last night at the "oldies" birthday party and we all voted having children after 35 was perfectly fine and you are blessed with many more patience. I will tell you that I think the Spirit also blesses you to know when you are finished no matter what you planned when you were 21! Relax -- quit taking life so seriously and enjoy where you are!
I think Heavenly Father cares a great deal when and how many children we have and there is no right answer- it's a very DIFFERENT plan for each of us. He is the only one who knows what the rest of life holds for us and how our children will be a blessing (or trial) at any given time. Probably when we're really old and looking back we'll see some of the wisdom in how he planned our individual families. In the meantime, I try to find peace in knowing that He knows better than me what my family planning should be. As long as you're trying to stay in tune to His will, your family will turn out for your optimum happiness - regardless of your age or timing. ;)
Love & miss you,
Cassondra
P.S. You look great!!!
P.P.S. Joanne Robison (who was sure they were done having kids) just announced that she is 5 months pregnant with a boy. She said, after the surprise wore off, she's actually really excited!
Oh my beautiful pregnant sister! We have already sat and debated this all weekend, so you already know my opinion! I do, however, think that you are such a wonderful mother that you should just keep having babies for as long as you can! Maybe you'll get those twin girls after all----seriously-----you don't want them!
I have been thinking about this also. I swear when your baby turns one every body and their dog asks you when you are going to have the next one. Before having Sienna I told everyone I wanted to have them really close together. I was told by the doctor that it might be easier this way but still I thought I could handle it. After having her I started to panic and I just wanted to be able to give her the proper attention that she deserved without throwing a baby in the mix. I have asked people what they think about the spacing and everyone gives me a different answer. I'm just going to go with my gut and do it in my own time. But I swear if one more person asks me when we are having the next one I'll just tell them it took me nine years to get the first one so maybe in another 9 years!!! I just wish I could order the next one to be a boy and then the pressure would be off! I will look into the ordering thing and see if I can order you the twin girls. By the way, how did Lukes first day of school go?
Okay - I know this is my second comment and since we see each other quite a bit, I could just say this, but I will comment anyway.....I've been thinking about this alot since I read this last night and I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there is definitely life after 30! I remember my 30th birthday and thought I had reached "old age!" Guess what? It isn't!!! As I told you, I was 35 when I had Giselle and I was definitely an older Mom, but much wiser and relaxed! Life goes on for a very long time--if we are lucky--and there's plenty of time to have 5 children--even if you are over 40! Grandma McNeil was 40 when she had Uncle Jay and I'd be willing to bet she was about as young a mother as anyone! She had plenty of time to enjoy him in her life. My Grandma Bisel was 40 when she had Dad and he was the biggest blessing in their life! Again, take these decisions a little less serious and realize that 30 is very, very young! You have plenty of time and space those kids out. It is enjoyable when you have time for each one! Just some more advice from Mom!
Olivia, I know you know what I think... I will only have 1 child if I am done by 30, so that will not work for us. I know I have also told you that little twinges of regret have begun to creep in that we may have limited our family... and our blessings by waiting so long... That being said: I know we were selfish and I have loved every second of it. My married relationship has grown and changed and we are better and more prepared to be parents at 28 and 29 then we were when we first got married. Yes we could have started sooner and been fine, but I have loved the time and experience that we have had. At this point I don't care one bit that I will be having kids perhaps into my 40s. (This may change when I actually have kids and get older.) But I'm just not going to worry about it right now. We loved our big families and we are just going to go with the flow, and do what we have to do to have the family we want. I know that you aim for perfection in everything with your family... (The home cooked meals made with the vegetables from your garden, the perfect little boys, being done having kids when you are 30etc.) But you are already an exceptional mom with a great family, so maybe you should just stop worrying about being in charge of everything in your life and just let things happen how they work out the best. We love you even if you are having kids when you are 32. Hopefully you will still love me when we are having kids when we are 45. Patrice
That's a tough one. I'm almost 28 and we just had our first and we're definitely not stopping before my 30th birthday. It looks like I'll be one of those 40 year old moms chasing a 2 year old around. Hope I have the energy for that. And by the way, you look great! Can hardly tell you're even pregnant!!!
Oh.....livia. What am I going to do with you? First you tell me I need to wait until I'm 25 like my sisters did to have a baby and now you're telling me you might be regretting it? You're making me confused! I really don't have any room to give advice, since I am 21 without children and not pregnant, but I have always wanted to have my kids while I'm young, close together to get the craziness out of the way! I figure that having one is crazy...and I'm all about piling on the crazy (just ask Noah...he can't imagine why I try to do so many things at once)! I also think it makes a difference, though, that I don't plan on not teaching dance while I have kids, you know? I don't have to give up my career in order to be a stay-at-home mom. They can just be stay-at-studio kids!
I know..it all seems very perfect and easy when you're planning your life at 21. But I'm doin it anyway!
P.S. You have to remember that getting married in your 30's and having kids into your 40's is not crazy or uncommon outside of our church. Like Mom said, you are still so young in your 30's!
Olivia,
Yes. It's 2am. I can't sleep. You know how terrible my sleep patterns are. Maybe we need to buy a better mattress...i don't know. Anyway, tomorrow night is freezer meals at my house. (I'll probably be falling asleep - just my luck after not being able to sleep tonight) but I am way sad you won't be here.
Brooklyn is still mourning your moving, too. She drew this picture of 4 people the other day and asked me who's famiy I thought it was. I said ours - two adults, two kids. She said, "No! Look at the top of their heads!" I said, "Only one has long hair." She said "Yeah. What family has only one girl??" You get where I'm going with this. She drew you guys. It was so cute. On one sticky note was you and the boys, Rick on another by himself. I guess because she usually only saw you with the kids but then remembered Rick and didn't want to leave him out of your family portrait. I'll post a picture of them on my blog so you can see. Also, she wants to send Luke a letter and be pen pals because she "misses him so much!" She's hoping he'll send a picture of you guys back that she can have for her wall. (I can't believe she's missing him so much - no offense - I just thought she'd forget a little easier being so little.) None he less, I need your address if that's okay.
Lots of people ask about you. I'm looking forward to the blog entry about Luke's school and Rick's job... ;) Hope you are happy and well. Miss you tons.
Sincerely,
a very tired Cassondra
P.S. The ASL class with the Leeks is going really great! They are awesome. Only bad news, she just told me tonight that she had cancer 2 yrs ago and thinks it's coming out of remission. SAD! Pray for her.
Olivia you look fantastic! I too have debated the same thing. Miranda and Ryan are 20 months apart, which was not planned. I dragged my feet when it came to number three. With my two kids approaching six and four, I dreaded going back to late night feedings and diapers. I finally gave in and our Olivia came. Now that I am older, yes I too turned 30 last year, I am enjoying her more than I enjoyed the other two. The next hurdle is when to have the fourth. I believe that there is a fourth in the future, but I struggle with when. For now I will put it off because we are still in Japan until next summer and we don't have enough room in our house. I guess I will continue to have this internal debate, until my husband brings it up!
Is that a recent photo. You don't even look prego. Wouldn't that be nice. Your answer is simple. I agree with some of the others that when you include the Lord in these type of decisions he considers your desires in His answer. The answer may not be one you like but the blessings and growth that come with it you wouldn't ever want to pass up. Life becomes so simple with the gospel in mind.
I am freaking out about the 30 year old thing too! I think we are done after this one but who ever really knows until it's all said and done! I know I was freaked out about having a baby in my 30's but like you, I didn't want them when I was way young! I loved being, young, carefee and married! I guess you just have to see how it all works out and hope when it's over you are happy with your decision. I look at my Mom and mother-in- law. The both had all their babies by the time they were 32! 5or 6 kids in under 11 years? What? I would freakout because I too think I only have the patience level for the 3 I will have soon! Anyway, good luck and I am glad you are back here!!! Come hang out down in SLC sometime!
I have been thinking about your post ALL DAY! Seriously - you just put words to something EVERY mom debates, thinks, and worries about. Nicely written, Olivia.
(I'm with ya on the twin girls at age 34. . .there's gotta be a way. . .)
Good luck on the twin girls Olivia!
Curtis and I still haven't come to an agreement on the number of children we want to have! Curtis would like to have another one before he graduates, but I have put my foot down and said not a chance! When he is done, Cam will be 3 and I think that will be a perfect time for another one.
Hey Olivia-
I found your blog link on Allen's blog which I found from the link on my brother Zach's blog.
Anyway, I come to you from the other perspective. My oldest and youngest have the same birthday and they are 5 years apart. So that means 4 kids in exactly 5 years!! It has been busy and crazy but I wouldn't change a thing. They are eachother's best friends and it has been so much fun to have them so close together. I had my first three in just under 3 years and then waited 2 years to have the last. If we would have been living anywhere that didn't have cold winters we would have had him sooner but I didn't want another newborn getting sick in the wintertime again! Overall, it is just what fits yours and your husband's personalities. My husband and I decided that we were going to "get it over with" as fast as possible (London was a honeymoon baby) so that we could have all the kids out of the house by 50(or so) and then we could start going on missions, etc... But it just depends on if you want a little craziness spreadout over time or you want a huge dose at once.
I am almost 32 and still don't think that I am in my thirties. I will see someone and think that they are in their mid thirties and quite a bit older than me--and then I remember that I am only a couple years younger!! Just remember that Heavenly Father knows your family and what is best for it. I know a lady with 12 kids--the oldest on a mission and she is still considering more--so it can be done!! You won't be ancient if you have a child a 35!
By the way--you look awesome!
Sunny (Putnam)
I'm Bag Tagging you. Check out my blog for details...
Thanks for the sweet comments! Hey so where's the new post about Luke's new school and Rick's new Job??? We are anxiously waiting...
You're not getting off that easy, Olivia... Let's be honest. My purse had about 10 times those reciepts and they were all crumpled into little balls. I just folded one for the picture to look nice. I think I threw away a couple candy wrappers, too. (Maybe that's cheating, I don't know) So, anyway, this is your official "bag tag". I'll be waiting...:)
You are so popular! I can barely get 5 comments!:)
I think of this same thing almost everyday. I would like another baby or two but I can't even try to get pregnant right now. We don't have insurance. I also can't make up my mind if I should try to get pregnant again or adopt. So I completely understand how you feel. At least you are ahead of me with your third on the way!
I swear I put a comment on here because I thought you would get mad. Al I said is be careful how you talk about "OLD" age and pregnancy. You have a sister who is 2 and a half years older than you and maybe someday she will reconsider having more kids and she will be 40 when it happens. Also I said the odds of having twins significantly goes up the older you are...so if you want twin girls having kids in your 40's doesn't seem like a bad idea!!!
Olivia....I don't have any great advice to give. But...I need an email address to invite you to our blog...
email me...
littlebitoflove76@gmail.com
One thing I have learned is that everyone is different. Everyone can handle different things. I knew that 3 was my limit. So, I stopped. Everyone always has an opinion on that....But we had to do what was best for us. You will figure out what works for you after this little one gets here. Honestly...the 3rd kicked my butt.
Kati
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